Facing our divorce reality as it is and NOT as we would like it to be is a crucial element in keeping our sanity and strength during divorce. The fear of uncertainty and change can be so overwhelming (even when not conscious) that it can easily keep us in delusion and denial about what really is going on.
There is a simple reason why we don't face something: It is painful. And there are not many things more painful in this life than divorce. Denial protects us from pain but it always comes with a heavy price tag if not dealt with: losing touch with our feelings, needs, and eventually ourselves. Prolonged denial of a situation will always lead to denial of certain aspects of who we are. Refusing to accept reality as it is will lead to losing who we are.
Denial is safe, but it is a false sense of security. Since it's not based on truth, it can never bring true freedom or true solutions. If we want to find the best possible solutions and resolutions to our divorce problems we always have to face even the most painful aspects of our situation.
This is how we can practice it daily by answering these three questions and writing down the answers in three columns. If done regularly it can be a clarifying, intention setting and even reality changing exercise.
Question #1: "What is my reality today?"
Not what I want it to be, or hoping it to be, or telling myself to be, or wishing it would be, but the factual reality I am in right now. What are the facts about it? What is it I know for sure? Without the additional stories I tend to tell myself. Without all the resentments, anger, or hopes and dreams. Separating facts from fiction. Writing them down as plainly and matter of factly as possible. Then staring them in the face. No hiding from it and no numbing. Feeling all the feelings about it because that's part of my reality too.
Question #2: "Who do I want to be in this reality?"
Once I come face to face with my reality I get to choose who I want to be in it, how I want to show up for life, what kind of parts I want to play or turn down. As depressing, blank, painful, or hopeless my divorce reality might be today, it does not have the power to turn me into someone I don't want to be. Unless I give it the power. I can never blame circumstances or someone else for who I've become. It is completely up to me. Writing down the words I choose for myself in my current reality, words like strong, serene, stable, wise, calm, kind, etc., I'm consciously choosing how I want to respond to life and people today and not just react to them out of my emotions.
Question #3: "What can I do to change my reality?"
Only seeing my reality clearly and then deciding who I want to be in it can get me to actually changing the things I can about it. What steps can I take today, this week, this month toward a change I want to see in my reality? What can I start doing? What will I stop doing? Where do I have the power to do something about the things I don't like? How will I change them? Being careful that I stay in the realm of reality, not drifting back to fantasyland and wishful thinking. Always differentiating between real, life giving hope for a better future and vain illusions. Keeping in mind the boundaries of my reality, clarifying the steps needed for real change, and recognizing my power or powerlessness over certain things, situations or people.
Facing our divorce reality daily, choosing who we want to be in it or despite of it, claiming all the power we have over our side of the divorce, and exercising this power by taking well thought out steps is a sure way toward clarity and sanity during the divorce process. Also it will keep us away from the deadly trap of continuous denial and the potholes of emotional or revenge based decision making .
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